The Wake Up Call to SLEEP !!!

Without beating around the bush guys, I think all of you are more than intelligent to infer, right from the title of this post, that I am unabashedly in love with the beautiful phenomena which nature has designed (and which I have a deep respect for) to refresh & recharge our entire system. Without spinning the yarn any further, let me tell you that I unequivocally am referring to  SLEEP.

I have been a night bird throughout my school and college life, and have tried all possible wierd time tables- on the pretext of "burning the midnight oil"- I've done-it-all from staying awake all night solving calculus, HCV & Permutations & combinations to sleeping from evening to afternoon (next day :P) during the holidays as a part of the "exam hangover" in the more carefree post-school period of life. To my best abilities, I have pushed my circadian rhythm to insane extremes, trying to convince myself that there is nothing really superhuman !! That its all within human limits ..!!!

BUT, in the last few years, I have, through trials, errors & experiences-good & bad, realised that SLEEP- a good, refreshing sleep- has become one of the most under-rated things in today's scenario- especially in the context of so called mad rush of climbing the so-called "career ladders". You can read more about that here or here.
Ooops!! I almost forgot that you need to even forego those eight priceless hours to convince your girlfriend/boyfriend that you love her/him, without  even giving a second thought to the fact that had your partner actually cared about how much you can actually  love them, had you woken up fresh. I wish your partner actually understood that the love conveyed by a fresh smile on your face cannot be matched by the countless hours spent in convincing (and NOT) loving you !

The problem with most of us is that only rarely (because of our bad lifestyle habits) have we NOT been sleep deprived, which means that we have never experienced the efficiency of a fully rested mind- which, unfortunately implies that we are trapped in a vicious circle.

We take sleep so much for granted that we have almost forgotten the age old wisdom which says that the purpose of any kind of work is to lead us to a state of rest and perfect stillness of mind. Needless to say that when Ratan Tata himself admits that the only purpose of his running the entire TATA group is to experience a peaceful sleep at night.

So for all those who still go by the myth that Management is about sleepless nights and "jaagarans"  full of  jargons (this alliteration is both inspired & purposeful), please read here about the Competitive advantage that a "good night" sleep brings to the Manager in you.
And it not only makes you a better manager, it makes you a better friend, partner, colleague, parent and a better and more aware citizen & human being.
Not forgetting to mention what Harsha Bhogle,one of my favourite speakers, says -" What takes people ahead is their attitude, work ethic and how much aware they are of themselves."
And lets not forget, a proper sleep is critical to your awareness at all times!

P.S.- This post has been written by me after a long unwanted spell of sleep deprivation that I have been experiencing in the last few weeks (and have been so far unsuccessful, but will soon succeed in countering) and reminds me of my Mom :) and her lullaby. It also reminds me of a friend who gave me one of the best formulae of a perfect sleep- a clear mind and a sufficiently tired body when we go to bed.

Good Night :)  and sweet dreams :)!!!
Sleep well :)

CELEBRATING SILENCE :)

SO…. I am finally getting back to my blog after a really long hiatus of more than two and a half years!!!!

And this period has really kind of made me spin like a whirlwind, and has actually made me doing way too many things that I had always wanted to, but somehow was unable to figure out how & why. But something happened, and yes indeed, it is the reason behind me actually being much more active in the REAL world, rather than become a couch potato or a cyber stalker. And that explains my long absence from this blog. This “something” has actually got me do things by actually doing them and has gotten me  closer to myself than I have ever been, keeping we in wonder throughout and at the same time preventing me , in the words of Harsha Bhogle, from becoming a “lover” of life without  of course the “eccentricities of a romantic”…. And hence I changed the name of my blog to “be by being”

Its something so subtle that it leaves me in a renewed sense of awe every single moment- something I must confess I feel deeply inadequate to describe, while at the same time, it makes me feel complete in every sense ! Such contradictory knowledge!!!  Its nothing but pure unadulterated love and grace that has encompassed me – and changed me from a person with stubborn , restless & rebellious exterior hungry for affection and adulation, to a kid who knows that she is loved unconditionally….aahh !! Its so blissful J !!!

And I am choosing my words here very carefully, because as you see, words are so inadequate.

All I can feel is goosebumps of gratefulness- GRATITUDE, for just being able to realize that I am blessed to be on this path…of depth yet playfulness, of responsibility and surrender, of solitude and togetherness, of celebration and silence.

Thank you G!!! This silent bliss has permeated into every aspect of my life and has added so much beauty and colour to it that I feel it is the most precious gift to me , something I was yearning for for countless lifetimes..

Thank you Akhilesh Bhaiya, Shashi Di & Tushar ….(basically, the list goes on) J...

@ Akhilesh Bhaiya- You ushered into my life when I was struggling and badly confused & directionless, and left me with discovering greater knowledge, strength and beauty that goes on increasing every single moment. Although I have not spent a lot of time with you, whatever little time has come my way in the form of the grace of your presence (which is timeless J like G himself) , I feel blessed by it… Lucky to have you as a mentor J

For everyone reading this, I would recommend to taste this celebration of silence… Nothing else will do- nothing else matters as much as this rule of life which is “to do by doing and be by being…”

Am I clear? Or, are you confused ;) ?

Here’s a clue-                                                                                                                                            

“Some questions can be answered only in Silence. Silence is the goal of all answers. If an answer does not silence the mind it is "no" answer.

Thoughts are not the goal in themselves. Their goal is Silence. When you ask the question "Who am I?" you get no answer, there is silence. That is the real answer. For your soul is solidified silence. This solidified silence is wisdom, is knowledge.

The easy way to silence the thoughts is to arouse the feelings. For through feelings only peace, joy and love dawn. And they are all your very nature.

To the question "Who am I?" the only relevant answer is silence. You need to discard all answers in words, including "I am Nothing" or "I am the Cosmic Self" or "I am the Self" - and just stick to the question "Who am I?". All other answers are just thoughts. Thoughts can never be complete. Only Silence is complete.”

- HHSSRS

P. S. : For those left  mystified, as I sign off for now , let there be some mystery … J

The buck stops here...

The experience of working right after college comes with its own share of highs and lows. The highs are earning your own buck, giving yourself the luxury of hitherto deliberately avoided concept of hanging out at fancy restaurants, splurging on brands that you would never even think of as a student and being able to give your near and dear ones the gifts and treats that they, and you yourself would have thought of as too expensive or ostentatious. But sometimes, what high-on-adrenaline youngsters feel the lowest low of a job is not being in that constant “ecstatic” college mood. In fact, many lament being stuck into high paying jobs where you cannot leave the job because it pays you an obscenely rich salary, with benefits unthinkable of at any other place; and you don’t enjoy the work culture because you are surrounded by folks who are already into their middle ages and have a completely different outlook and priorities in life.

While the above may sound like a clichéd juxtaposition of two extremes, this is true to various degrees at different places. On social gatherings of the office, initially many new joinees are scared of getting bored to death by the typical discussions of “family” and “work”. In course of time, things do ease out as people begin to gel with the environment and family gets its rightful share in their lives, but the beginnings are similar for most fresh college graduates.

In one such over-the-lunch discussion at office, two people were discussing about their family commitments and priorities. Not that I was interested in their discussion, but a sentence that one of them uttered just forced me to think, that sometimes, just like the perspective of an experienced senior or an elder in the family infuses a strange, but relieving calm into our hot-headed youthful manner of tackling different situations, probably it should also be true vice versa. I do not mean to say that our voice should add a dash of adrenaline into the decision-making process of the elders. But sometimes, a fresh perspective just helps. The way we have grown up, we have witnessed much of globalization and liberalization impact our own lives in many ways, which haven’t always been positive.

So, when somebody said, “The best thing that one can give to one’s children is financial security”, my ears cocked up.

Most in my generation form the first wave of engineers in their families, where the idea of getting a vocational degree was so much infused in our bloodstream that nothing apart from Engineering ever crossed our thought process while choosing our careers. The good side of it is that we are a much more financially secure generation than the previous generations. Financial security allows us luxuries that many of us chose either to postpone till we start earning our own salaries, and at the same time, many amongst us also resorted to lying at their homes to funnel the money given to them to do what they wanted to do with it. To simplify it, let me give you a very simple example. A school kid, in his early or mid teens, takes tuitions and is often given the fees by his/her parents. The fees should ideally go to the teacher who gives the tuitions, but many in not just my generation, but in the older and the younger crops as well, did resort to other options. While in my generation, “other” ways of spending that money were, among other things, watching a movie or hanging out with friends, the present crop prefers spending on cellphone bills, having a boy/girlfriend and taking him around town, getting that latest “Justine Beiber” or “Lady Gaga” CD.

Not that the older is more chaste than the new- but beneath all this lies a hitherto rather unasked question of not just ethics, but also of how our priorities in life influence the choices that we make. And indeed, as Professor Dumbledore famously remarks-“It is our choices that truly make us, Harry, far more than our abilities.”

A more stark example that can help you connect the entire discussion with the “financial security” thing is a small experience that I find worthy of sharing at this point of time. Almost two years ago while my parents and I were on our way to Chennai for getting my eye check up done, we stopped over for the afternoon on the Patna Junction for boarding the next train. The favourite pastime that my father and I share is our love for reading. My father is a newspaper addict and never ever stops us from reading as much as we want to (of course, within our means, that means I couldn’t splurge on my favourite novels till I was a student). So here on Patna Junction , Mommy was getting bored while Papa and I were taking turns reading different newspapers. After some time, while we were done devouring the news and the editorials, Papa noticed  that a seven-year old boy had been sitting beside us for quite some time. Out of curiosity, Papa began a conversation with him, in course of which , we got to know that this kid was from my hometown, and had run away from home in the same train that we had taken to Patna. His father was a vendor selling eatables on the road side at some locality in Bhagalpur that I have never been to and figured out that it was too far from my home, and the reason that he cited for his “running away” from home was domestic violence. Quite big decisions being made by a seven-year old! My father, in his usual benevolence, tried to convince the kid, “Ghar se bhaag ke kahan jaoge? Patna mein kaun hai tumhara?”. The kid had relatives in Patna, but even then, he acknowledged that he couldn’t live with them for a long time.

“Paise hain paas mein?” Papa asked him.

“Nahin.”

“Kuch khaya hai subah se?”

“Nahin.”

“Ye lo kuch paise, kuch kha lo aur agli train pakad ke wapas Bhagalpur  chale jana.”

The kid accepted this favour from a stranger. He didn’t have the option not to. But, here’s what he did next. He ate a measely meal and went ahead to a stall and bought himself guess what? A Newspaper.

I love Papa for his amazing observations in many situations.

“Bacche ki samajh dekho, ghar me kitni bhi pareshaani ho, chahe khaane ka thikana ho ya nahi, padhai peechhe nahi rehni chahiye!”

Within a short span of a few hours, my Mother saw another boy, slightly older and in his early teens, sweeping the platform and asking the passengers for money for doing the cleaning. When he got some money, the first thing that he did was buy himself a bottle of Mountain Dew from the food plaza. NOT that I mean to say that the lesser privileged must not have the access to or the desire for the things that are within the reach of the more privileged, BUT the difference in the choices of the two boys in this small anecdote.

A mushy Hindi film might have juxtaposed the two boys from this incident as Amitabh Bachchan & Shashi Kapoor of Deewar, but life is much more than a Bollywood masala.

Clearly, the seven-year old didn’t have even have “emotional security” that every child needs, let alone “financial security”. But his choice was what put him apart from others. Probably our choices frame our value systems. But more on that sometime later.

So “What is it that we need to give to our younger generations apart from financial security?” is the question that the young inexperienced generation of my kind asks. And we do need to ask this to ourselves because we have made almost all decisions in life in accordance with achieving this goal of financial security. And, in fact, many even give up the simple things that gave them a sense of fulfillment, like pursuing their own interest areas and their childhood dreams. Again, I would like to emphasize that I am not being authoritative to the present Moms and Dads, but just presenting a different perspective, which would help by giving the society more balanced individuals, rather than ATM machines.

We must not forget, that before liberalization “opened the floodgates of numerous opportunities” to the Indian Society, being a History or Sociology topper from the local University had almost as much weight, if not more, than being an engineer. What more, Delhi University wasn’t the only apparent place where non-engineering aspirants could safely pursue their subject of interest. And being a teacher or a professor was a matter of pride rather than an issue of “lack of greener pastures”. The stress element wasn’t as prominent as it is now, not just among students, but also among the management of most companies- big or small. People used to have the patience to prepare 6-8 years for that prestigious job- a sarkari naukri, WITHOUT  having to resort to suicides for not having cracked any particular examination . Have we given money more importance than it should actually deserve? It is a question that does bring some more questions into perspective. Like, has the desire for rapid success and more money and a better lifestyle actually made us lose focus on the fact that the journey is what makes the life enjoyable, not some utopic destination where all things are picture perfect and where you can have all that you want? And in course of all this we have forgotten to take failures with as much enthusiasm as success- thus denying the “lessons learnt from a struggle” the rightful place in our lives. Struggles are a part of that journey, and are as much important, if not more, than the destination.

An aunt once told me the tremendous amount of pressure his son had been facing while preparing for his attempt at the IITJEE. She said, “Tumhare uncle ne usko bol diya hai ke beta, agar kisi achche college mein admission ke liye tum khud se compete na kar pao aur mujhe donation dene ki ya zyaada fees bharne ki naubat aaye, to ye yaad rakhna, ke hamaare ghar ki ek taraf railway line hai aur doosri taraf Ganga ji. Mere liye yehi do options bachenge.”

Where financial constraints force you to make compromises in every decision you make, financial security is indeed a big thing to achieve. But so much are we engrossed in solving this problem that we refuse to even see that life is beyond just this much. And parents constantly doting on their children can cause more harm than good, though with all the purity of intent that they can have.

The focus on getting into a good college and getting into “that plum job” was so much ingrained into the entire fabric around us that every time we had something, the question before us was “What next?” The heavyweight words like “destiny” and “destination” so much so included in our vision that we hardly had time to enjoy what we have , and would rather fancy for a newer and stronger craving every time- a stronger brand to associate with, a great starting salary, a host of degrees….the list is unending, just like our desires. The joy of living with a family was so much overshadowed by the pressure of examinations, and more examinations and then umpteen competitions to crack, that many of us were hardly able to enjoy a fun meal together with our families except on Sundays, because after school you have tuitions to attend, and then you have your time for self study, and then your mother quietly keeps your dinner covered on the table while you burn the midnight oil as the entire household and neighborhood is fast asleep. I am pretty sure many of our homes didn’t need any “uniformed” security to drive the thieves away at nights!

The future generations might have different problems to solve, but the basics of a good life, that is, a life of fulfillment, remain the same, irrespective of the constraints of time and space. It is this idea of leading a wholesome, complete life that goes with your value systems, that is as much important, if not more, than financial security. If financial security were the sole goal of our civilization, our founding fathers would have declared India to be a Capitalist country a long time ago. We as a society need individuals who are more aware of themselves, so that they can calmly take decisions for the betterment of their own lives, as well as for the good of society in general. We do not need machines.

It is here that a popular writer’s words come into my mind-

“Nature designed with a random set of genes and circumstances in which

we were born. To be happy, we have to accept it and make the most of

nature’s design. Are you? Goals will help you do that. I must add,

don’t just have career or academic goals. Set goals to give you a

balanced, successful life. I use the word balanced before successful.

Balanced means ensuring your health, relationships, mental peace are

all in good order.

There is no point of getting a promotion on the day of your breakup.

There is no fun in driving a car if your back hurts. Shopping is not

enjoyable if your mind is full of tensions.

You must have read some quotes – Life is a tough race, it is a

marathon or whatever. No, from what I have seen so far, life is one of

those races in nursery school, where you have to run with a marble in

a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point

coming first. Same with life, where health and relationships are the

marble. Your striving is only worth it if there is harmony in your

life. Else, you may achieve the success, but this spark, this feeling

of being excited and alive, will start to die.”

COMFORTABLY NUMB.

DISCLAIMER: This article is not inspired by Mr. Anna Hazare. In fact, it is a product of a feeling, or rather, the lack of it on not being able to get inspired by him. The timing may well be called clichéd. But I cannot help it. I have been “not feeling” things for a really long time- just like all of you. I am NOT a social activist. I just am comfortably numb within my boundaries of the daily life. So I am not really to be blamed, am I?

When did I first encounter corruption? It goes back to my last of the counted days at a state-run college from where I had to withdraw my certificates. Some people had advised my father to pay a few hundred rupees to the requisite person so that the process goes off smoothly. My first response, sparked off by a decade of “Moral Science” lectures at school was- “Why should I pay him to do something that is his duty?”  

Papa replied-“Don’t you want the formalities to be completed as the earliest? Besides, there’s nothing unusual to it. Government offices don’t work any other way. Bachchi ho abhi, duniya nahi dekhi hai. Dheere dheere samjhogi!”

Without going into the details of whether or not I paid the bribe to get my certificates (How can you expect me to fuel corruption? I am as clean as all the Governments of this country have been. All of us are, aren’t we?), I will proceed to how many things we simply don’t react to and take it acceptable sometimes as the universal norms of working of the society, just Government offices. In the last few years, my landline at home has been dysfunctional for more than half of the time. I may not be the only victim of BSNL’s apathy. Most of the times their response is not prompt unless and until…you know what! So finally we decided to get rid of it, given that all the family members are now comfortable with their cellphones. No wonder BSNL’s revenues have seen a drastic dip in the last few years (ET 8^th April 2011) .A Raja cannot be responsible for it. He was too busy (not) auctioning the 2G spectrum. I don’t even blame him for the biggest scam in the history of this nation. The matter is sub judice, you see. And I indeed feel sorry for the loss of his close aide too.

I had applied for a passport in November, 2009. If all goes well, i.e., the enquiries take place in time, a lucky chap can expect to get his passport in six months time. Did I say lucky? Well yes, I did. Because you have to be lucky to get it in six months when I haven’t got it in even thrice the time period. “Time period” is the word. You see, since high school we all have been studying T=2π(l/g)^(0.5) . Little did we know that greater the “acceleration” due to “gravity”, lesser the time period- be it the SP Office, University office, or the Regional Transport Office , the Electricity office, the PWD, the Block and so on and so forth. The only pre-requisite is that the accelerating force should be strong enough! Are you afraid in passing a few crisp green pieces of paper from  beneath the table? Then you’ve got to sip Mountain Dew and tell yourself “Dude,darr ke aagey jeet hai !”

Nowadays you don’t even have to pass the crisp notes from beneath the table. For the past few weeks, people in Tamil Nadu have been receiving thousand rupee notes as humble tokens of gratitude in between the pages of their morning newspapers. And you thought newspapers were not worth more than five bucks! Did you ever visit a marriage ceremony without the bride and the groom. I strongly recommend you visit one, because only then can you find how ambulances steer currency notes and booze through the busy traffic just to give you the pleasant surprise of finding at least a few hundred rupees beneath your pattal,or plate or a banana leaf (depending upon the state to which the bride and groom belong), as return gifts. But such marriage parties are held only once in five years, or may be less, which in turn depends on you- know- what.

How patiently we wait for Wikileaks to release the next cable on India when the rat can be smelled in our own backyard. My backyard back home sure as hell does smell foul. But alas! What can I do when the entire colony dumps its garbage in the vacant plot there? My senses have become used to it, what I call “comfortably numb”- to the dump, the drains, the potholes, the power cuts, the leaky water supply pipes. OOPS! By the way, I hope Wikileaks gives a part of its revenue towards the noble cause of a better, non-leaky water supply in our towns, cities and villages. Because summer is in and the crisis of water is just as deep as the slumber of our governing bodies and did I hear the name of a scheme called Jawaharlal Nehru Urban Renewal Mission? I had seen Chacha Nehru’s portrait with some quote on the need for better public infrastructure in a reputed national daily a few years ago. After that, all I have seen of JNURM is a few city buses. That in no way connotes that a blue turbaned old man and his boss are not committed to serve the country. Indeed , they are serving thousands of faceless names who enroll daily into the NREGA for a minimum of 100 days of work per year. Good Work! Kudos to the Great Indian Taxpayer for being generous enough to part with his/her hard earned money to support the labourer who he/ she can never know even if he/she wants to. I never said people could be conjured out of thin air. That has been done mostly with bank accounts, companies… After all, Switzerland isn’t just synonymous with Cartier and other haute horlogerie.

I am flesh and blood and soul within(?). I know I am- so are all of you. And as I write this article, I tell myself “Load na le, lite le lite!”. Sure getting stressed out is futile. So I amuse myself by writing this piece of bakar  and updating my Facebook status, profile picture and sharing a few links. Activism is fashion after all, and I don’t want to be called unfashionable.

How can I not be moved by Mr. Anna Hazare- does it haunt me?

Naah…I am just (un)comfortably numb.

इक चेहरा देखती हूँ अक्सर मैं अपने आस पास...

इक चेहरा देखती हूँ अक्सर मैं अपने आस पास
यूँ ही कभी जब अकेले में होती हूँ -
कभी छत  पर टहलते हुए ,
कभी कमरे में अकेले ही कोई गीत गुनगुनाते हुए,
और कभी किसी सूनी राह पे बस चलते हुए |
कभी कभी ऐसा लगता है के एक ही चेहरा है,
तो कभी लगता है के अलग अलग राहों पे
अलग अलग चेहरे हैं मेरे साथ
जो मुझे कह रहें हों के
मैं तुम्हारे साथ हूँ,
हर कदम पर,
जब भी किसी मुश्किल में रहो,
मैं यहीं कहीं मिल जाऊंगा..
आखिर अब तक हर मुश्किल में मुझे
कोई न कोई मिल गया था-
जिसने मेरे भागते हुए परेशान से मन के अँधेरे को दूर भगाया ...
जिसने मेरे बच्चों जैसे सवालों के जवाब दिए,
जिसने मुझे ये बताया के क्या होती है दोस्ती,
क्यों लोग भागते रहते हैं-
कभी प्यार,कभी पैसे ,कभी परिवार
और कभी बस अपने मन की ओर |

अब तक जब भी कोई उलझन थी,
जब मन अशांत रहा,
जब भी अनिश्चितताएं आयीं ,
जब भी लगा के अब आगे का रास्ता दिख न रहा हो,
जब लगा के सारी दुनिया मुझपर हँस रही है,
जब भी सोचा के कहीं मेरी दोस्ती में ही कहीं कोई कमी तो नहीं ..
जब महसूस हुआ के लोगों को मेरा अपने चुने हुए रस्ते पे चलना पसंद नहीं था,
जब भी अँधेरे में अपने तकिये में सर छुपा के आंसुओं को निकलने दिया,
जब भी कल्लोल किया,
जब हँसते हँसते भूल गयी के हंसी आई भी क्यों थी..
जब भी बचपन की बातें एकदम से ताज़ा हो उठीं,
जब गुस्सा आया-खुद पे और दुनिया पे,
तो कोई हमेशा मेरे साथ था - ऐसा लगा |
लगा जैसे ईश्वर ने किसी फ़रिश्ते को बस मेरी परेशानियों का हल ढूँढने के लिए भेजा है,
थोड़ा मैंने भी उन फरिश्तों की उलझन सुलझाई,
और कभी कभी लगा जैसे बातें सुलझने के बदले और भी उलझ गयी हों |
लेकिन जो वक़्त गुज़रा साथ में-वो वक़्त कभी भुलाया नहीं जा सकता
क्योंकि वो तो जैसे हमारे दिलों में जैसे एक अमिट छाप छोड़ गया है |
अच्छा था या बुरा - ये कह पाना मेरे सामर्थ्य के बाहर की बात है -
क्योंकि उस समय लगा जैसे इस से अच्छा कुछ भी नहीं;
मानो किसी ने आसमान से खुशियों की बारिश कर दी हो,
जिसकी बौछारों में मन के सारे दुःख अकस्मात् ही धुल गए जैसे;
लगा के बस हर एक घड़ी को समेट लूँ |
फिर बादल छंटे और निखरती हुई धूप आई और धरती पर जैसे सुनहरी चादर सी छा गयी,
ऐसी कितनी ही बारिशें मैंने देखीं ,
कितने सवेरे हुए-
हर सुबह पहले से ज्यादा खूबसूरत!
हर बार मेरे साथ थे कुछ लोग
जिनका जितना भी शुक्रिया अदा करूँ कम होगा,
क्योंकि मुझे हमेशा लगा के उन्होंने मुझे जितना दिया,
उसके मुकाबले में शायद कुछ भी नहीं लिया |

फिर ऐसा क्यों लगता है कि वो बस एक भ्रम था,
क्यों लगता है के हम बस मुसाफिरों कि तरह मिले थे ,
हर एक अपनी मंजिल की ओर अपना रास्ता बनाता हुआ,
और रास्ते में मिलते हुए लोगों को कुछ न कुछ सिखाता हुआ,
और उनसे खुद भी कुछ न कुछ सीखता हुआ |
लगता है वो सारे चेहरे भी मुझसे कहीं दूर जा रहे हैं,
और शायद फिर कभी वापस न आयें..
क्या पता शायद मुझे भूल भी जाएँ!
लेकिन मैं शायद उनमे से एक को भी न भूल पाऊँगी !
नयी जगह, नए लोग ,नए दोस्त,नया काम-
ये सब हमारे बाहरी रूप और हाव भाव को बादल सकते हैं,
लेकिन उन चेहरों में से हर एक ने मेरे सफ़र को और भी खुशनुमा और मनोरम बनाया-
मुझे जीना सिखाया,
मुझे शायद इतना बदल के रख दिया जितना कभी कोई और नहीं कर पाया!
हर एक चेहरा अब मेरा एक हिस्सा सा बन गया है-एक अटूट हिस्सा |
और शायद मैं भी हूँ उन सब में कहीं न कहीं-
वो बस इसलिए नहीं दिखाते क्योंकि इस से शायद उन्हें अपने रस्ते पे चलने में ,
और मुझे मेरे रस्ते पर चलने में कहीं कोई तकलीफ न हो |

प्यार, दोस्ती और दुश्मनी- ये सब शायद बड़े ही छिछले शब्द हैं
उस वक्त के लिए ;
क्योंकि ये सब वक़्त के साथ साथ कम भी हो सकते हैं,
भुलाए भी जा सकते हैं |
ये शब्द जैसे हर चीज़ को एक तस्वीर में बांध देते हैं;
बंध जाने से उस समय की खूबसूरती कम हो जाती है;
इसलिए मैं बस उस समय को ही अपने मन में समेट कर रख रही हूँ
जैसा भी वह था-बस वैसा ही रहेगा मेरी यादों में,
शायद यही मेरा सामर्थ्य है,
या फिर विवशता...

क्या पता किसी दिन ऐसी ही किसी अनजान लम्बी राह पर
उनमें से कोई एक चेहरा फिर कहीं मिल जाए,
और वो भी शायद बोले कि उसे भी ऐसा ही लगा जैसा मुझे लगा!
क्या पता कोई नया चेहरा किसी नयी राह पर मिले!

DO I HAVE TO STOP DREAMING DAD?????

When I was hardly three years old, I overheard three neighbours talking about the best school in town.
Uncle 1: " Dada which school should I get my son admitted to??? I'm in a fix! This little chatterbox does everything except padhai! His Mom and I are at our wits' end in getting him learn even the alphabets and numbers"
Aunt 2: " Mount Assisi, aur kahan!! Is saal ka national topper wahin ka hai. Bhaisaab ye bhi koi poochne waali baat hai!! Apna Monu bhi toh wahin padhta hai.",pat came the reply.

I was pretty much impressed by their conversation and the first thing that I told my Mom after that  this is it -MAS is the school I want to get into. No wonder, I got into the best school in Bhagalpur. My parents were proud to have succeeded in their first step towards imparting me the best education that was within their reaach.


I wasn't poor in studies, but somehow I always used visit the classrooms where extra Drawing classes were held for students, after class hours. I used to get fascinated by beautiful sceneries and sketches on the blackboard and wished that someday I would be able to draw all these...


On my terrace was kept an old "banjo", I was told that my Kaku (uncle) used to play it in his teens. I sometimes longed to play a musical instrument...

When I was in the Second grade, I stealthily went to the neighboring colony to a Didi's  place with my fellow colonite Shiuli. Shiuli had told me that Didi used to learn Classical Music and taught it to kids like us. I was elated when Di taught me my first sa-re-ga-ma-pa...and could not contain my happiness when she told that I can sing well....O My!!! How happy I was! I  rushed home to tell my mom the Breaking News.
"Why did you go to her house?" asked Mom.
"Shiuli was going. I thought music will be fun",I replied with a long face at the bucket full of water that Mom's reaction had thrown on my enthusiasm.
"But Beta, you have to study. Look at Madhu (my neighbouring aunt's neice). She sings so well. Her Dad got her trained in Classical Music. But what's the result?? Participating in national level competitions,but cannot pass her school exams. I cannot understand how such kids will end up earning their bread and butter! I dont  want to see you failing sweetie!" was Mom's explanation. "Now do not go to that Di's house ever. Why disturb her?"
"But Mummy!! What's wrong...erm..with music???"
"You have to study child."

OK. Shiuli can learn music once in a while but Nupur has to study. Accepted.

My musical misadventures continued in the LA periods that we had as the last period on Fridays. Sometimes it was a soft number from A R Rehman's Bombay,at other times melodies from Anand. My classmates and I used to get very excited if anybody in the class would sing the full song  "Achcha sila diya tune mere pyaar ka" sung by Sonu Nigam. We actually were fans  of this oh-what-a-heartache number, like the entire country. Its quite ironic that I now despise such "emosanal attyachaar" type of songs .

On Sunday afternoons when I sometimes sat by my Grandpa's side, he used to give me examples of scientists-Madam Curie was his favourite! He said I should study hard to become one.  In Class Two,scientists used to fascinate me.I thought they might be cool people discovering new things.Okay Dadu!! I'll try my level best to become a Scientist.

There is another contradictory aspiration that I nurtured at that point of time. I was a freak in following beauty pageants right from Std Two-courtesy the 1994 jackpot that India struck at the Miss World & Miss Universe pageants. I had a calendar of the two beauties that made India proud,namely Aishwarya Rai & Sushmita Sen,courtesy the brand new Kelvinator refrigerator that Papa had brought home. I was in their awe. I kept following beauty pageants till Seventh Grade. I dont know why but as a kid they fascinated me. I loved the panache with which the participants sashayed down the ramp,showcasing their talents and touring the world - getting paid for looking great and enjoying life! I took special notice of the Judges' Question Rounds and loved to listen to different and innovative answers. I loved their long evening gowns,the elegance and the fun. And I loved the way Eric Morley declared "And the Miss World 199x is .....". As a kid I looked a lot less nerdy than I now look 'cause I didn't wear spectacles. And I thought that if at all I become as tall as those Miss XYZs were, I could try my luck there. I was desparate to grow taller and often told my Mom "Ma ,aap bhi zaada lambi hoti toh I would have been taller!" Wow,a kid in standard Two planning to enter beauty pageants. Beauty business is something that now irritates me for its ostentation. I hate superficiality. But still, as a kid I have dreamt of this as well !!!!!!!!!!! Sound ludicrous now,ha! My friends will roll in laughter when they read this because they know what a fashion disaster I can be :D


Anyway, thank God dreams don't require a prepaid/postpaid connection :)


When I was in the Fourth grade, I read an article in my school magazine. It was titled " My Aim In Life" and was written by Ankur Choudhry- the star student of my school. "Legend has it that Ankur hasn't forgotten even a single thing he's read ever since he's begun studying,"  was what our teachers told us. I was in his awe. So I read his article. It went like- " Life without an aim is like a boat without sails..............................................................................................My aim in life is to become a doctor and serve the society." WOW!!!!!!!! I was glad to know that a doctor serves the society by treating the sick,old and poor...lol!! This might sound shallow but it was about time when Papa asked me "Beta,aap kya ban_na chahte hain?" and I instantaneously replied "DOCTOR" !


It was 1998. I was now in the senior section of my school. We had more subjects to study- History,Civics,Geography,Literature,Physics,Chemistry,Biology......and not to forget Moral Science. But I 

enjoyed History the most. Ancient History-wonderful ... most people wont believe me but I used to read about Indus Valley Civilizations, Aryans, Gupta age,and all that from all textbooks that I could lay hands on.I would find out for all possible History texts in my home,right from my Grandpa's bookshelves to my aunt's books packed in cartoons more than a decade ago! That was the time when I began watching watching Discovery Channel -the Pyramids of Egypt,the Maya civilization,Mesopotamia,Rome,Forts,Palaces,excavations,the mystery of King Tut,Vedas.....I knew what I wanted to become-ARCHAEOLOGIST!!! Yes this was it! I was made for this. That year Dad took us on a trip to Agra,Jaipur,Fatehpur Sikri & Udaipur & my love for History knew no bounds...

Alas! We had Medieval History next year and my love for History was now a history!

Hey,but I was happy folks!!! We had an amazing Biology syllabus and an even more amazing teacher-I thought I could now be a Doctor in making. Skeletons,Foetuses,and brains in our Bio lab were now arousing my interest . I was diligently into bio and just desired reasonable grades in other subjects. Maths was anathema. OK. So what if I was fed up of always being stuck on the fourth position in my class in all examinations I studied diligently for? I gave shit to it. But I could not stand favoritism by teachers. I remember screwing up when asked to solve Maths problems on the blackboard.And the teacher told me-"Shreya why do you have to move your fingers all around your head for a simple 1.25*5." Then I realised how dumb I was to solve it as 1.25x5= 1x5+0.25x5  HUH!!!!!! Papa was fed up of my mathematics marks always hovering in the ballpark of 40s. Somehow I was beginning to believe that I was a dumbo.Those days everyone was like "Oh beta! you are in 7th std now,only 3 years to Board exams! Its high time you should be serious about studies." As if scoring in Board exams was like landing on moon.And being unable to score in mathematics was some sort of a curse. C'mon Mom,Dad,uncles &aunts,what on earth is so special about Board Exams??????????????? My Grandad told me about his times-how he was the only guy in his village to pass the Board exams with a first class when their exams were conducted by Calcutta University! Great time to carry forward the yoke of family traditions! I felt more ashamed of my mathematics marks when I saw that most of my relatives were working in banks..!!  What a disgrace,black sheep I was -or so I thought.

Anyway, I again stood FOURTH in VIIth. I was kind of jinxed at number four.

Std. VIII- First day of the class- I clearly remember our Principal , Fr. Chittoo hastily entering our classroom."So this is VIII B. Children ,Assisi has its hopes hooked on to you. SHIT. Now live up to the hopes of Assisi. For the first time I was delighted to score highest marks in Physics.Huh! I forgot Quizzing,Music ,History,Beauty Pageants,novels,medicine.....when I saw a yellow piece  of paper pinned to the Bulletin board of class XII the school- "INDIAN INSTITUTES OF TECHNOLOGY   BOMBAY,DELHI,GUWAHATI,KANPUR,KHARAGPUR,MADRAS ...............JEE......." .I cannot exactly tell whether it was this notice or the hype of our star alumni, but IX,X,XI,XII and an year after that...four priceless years of my life -everything revolved around Xth Boards,IITJEE,IITJEE,IITJEE and IITJEE. I hardly did anything else. My love for literature remained. But the time that it found in my schedule almost vanished.
The year I was in Std XIIth, I came to know that Ankur Choudhry had secured AIR 14 in IITJEE and a seat in the prestigious CSE at IITK!
I managed to find myself a seat in BIT Sindri. 

Books ,books and more books....no time for anything else..I didn't know why I was studying...

Chetan Bhagat rightly says,"First they tell you to study hard for two years and crack one entrance exam.And after you have studied hard for four more years,they again tell you to study hard and crack another entrance exam."  

Its strange.I had almost forgotten dreaming. And now when I have begun dreaming once again, my Dad's words constantly ring in my ears- " Pehle daal roti ka jugaad kar lo,fir hawaa mein udte rehna".

DO I HAVE TO STOP DREAMING DAD?

I LOVE...

I love waking up early in the morning,though I can't,
I love to hide Papa's things for simply no reason other than he getting angry on me for nothing,
I love holding my friends' hands when I walk with them on the pavement,
I love standing on the chair in the auditorium and dance to the beat of the item numbers,
I love the smile on anyone's(that includes myself) face when they remember something sweet,
I love when my friends hold my hands to make me cross a busy road-it makes me feel like a kid,
I love stealing my brother's share of rossogullas from the fridge-it makes him tease me,
I love my Mom singing in the kitchen-it adds to the delicacy of whatever she is cooking...
I love watching the kids play kabaddi in the park-and that they use chappals to divide the field makes me laugh!
I love humming tunes to myself when riding on the back seat of a bike,
I love picking up fights for unequal division of chicken pieces in a restaurant  when with friends,
I love flunking the exam just because I entered the examination hall thinking of Pehla Nasha...
I love long conversations going deep into the nights and refusing to die even in the morning..
I love calling friends and asking them,"Kuch naya bataa yaar!"
I love watching schoolchildren waiting in a queue for their schoolbus,
I love to see a toddler walking on the sidewalk with his Mom and Dad holding each of his hands,
I love to remember my first day in my school- the day my parents took me for the interview,
I love to lick the chocolate from the wrapper-no matter how dirty it makes me look,
I love to get wilder with the meal when people watch me eating at the restaurants,
I love to cry when watching SRK telling Kajol,"Marry Me!"
This one sounds a bit embarassing,but its true-
I actually,really love getting dramatic and melodramatic with my friends during some of the conversations.
And I love crying at movies-I feel human!
I love getting dumb when friends tease me-I love not defending myself as I am happy to see them smile ;
I love gifting chocolates to my friends 'cause I know they'll be sharing it with me!
I love visiting Orkut profiles of people I adore when I miss them,
I love the fact that the only thing that comes to my mind when the college ATM machine is out of order and I am left with not more than a hundred bucks is-"Oh My God! I just hope I don't die hungry!!"
I love forwarding song lyrics to my friends so that they can forward them to their girlfriends,
I love keeping my music player permanently in the Repeat mode-listening the same song over and over again.
I love to lie down on the bed even after I am awake-just thinking about everything.
I love to torture the salesmen in shops by trying out stuff that I know I will never buy for myself.
I love trying umpteen times to make the perfect Maggi!
I love to celebrate by bingeing when I flunk my exams,
I love the smell of the earth when it rains...
I love windy days-it makes me feel so romantic,
I love when friends reply instantly,
I love to sit by the lakeside,
I love being woken up in the morning by my Mom..
And I love throwing tantrums on days when she doesn't wake me up.
I simply love sitting on the corner table and munching the cheese sandwiches and paav bhaaji with a cuppa hot coffee..
I love cracking jokes and laughing at them all alone-with the rest of my friends laughing at me!
I love Googling my name,my friends names...thinking someday we might make more popular searches..!
I love gazing at the star-studded night sky with a romantic tune plugged into my ears..
I love frequent Hellos from friends,
I love forgetting things midway when explaining to friends.
I love hugging my Mom,
I love... and I know I can fall in love,love and be loved-despite the world thinking otherwise..!